Outlets

So, I've figured something out tonight.

Part of the reason why I am feeling so stressed, is that I do not have outlets; either physically or artistically. I was a lot less stressed when I had both options available to me, such as in high school, or at residence. Perhaps I need to find a way to express myself artistically before I will feel I have the drive to be more active? Or will being active allow me to be more artistic?

Either way, I believe that I should find a sport of some sort, preferably something social, that I can exhaust myself with, as well as a piano or a guitar with which to while the hours away when I am in the mood. Listening to others perform can only take me so far, I need to feel the resonance in the floor when I'm playing a piano, to feel the vibrations through the guitar as I strum along to a favourite song.


To me, music is more than just a form of entertainment, or a hobby. It's a form of expression, it's relief from the stress that is life. A blissful half hour when the only thing I'm concentrating on is allowing the sounds in my mind to be transferred to the instrument. One of the things that I look forward to when I'm visiting my parents is the access I have to my mother's old upright. The ivory is falling off a few keys, and it is slowly starting to lose it's tune, but I have such an...emotional attachment to that piano. When my parents move, because they will have to with all of the developments going on, I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that piano isn't sold. It's the piano that I grew up with, the piano that I can sit at and know all of it's quirks, all of the ways I know it will perform. It is by no means a beautiful piano, but I would be heartbroken to never be able to play it again. It actually makes me sad to think that it's just sitting in the room in my parents basement gathering dust and acting as a shelf for various pictures. I miss that piano, and I wish I had a way of bringing it here to Calgary.

I sincerely hope that I can find a keyboard that I can connect with, that will be more than just an object to me. Something that I will look forward to sitting down in front of and whittling away half an hour just trying different things. I say this now, but I know myself a little bit to know that I will most likely stay in the key of D for the first, oh, 3 to 4 months. Still, I need to have that connection to the instrument, the desire to want to spend time with it. To those readers that are not musicians, you may not understand, but to those of you who are, you might understand. As much as I love the piano, and playing the piano, if I do not feel comfortable or at ease playing an instrument, I won't.

Which makes me picky, eh? Ah well, we'll see how this turns out.

Classical Music?

So, I have recently found out some new and interesting things about the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra.

Namely, that not only are they doing a sci-fi night, where they will be playing a bunch of geek anthems (think Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica...you get the idea), but that it will be hosted by Jonathan Frakes. Now, I can actively see the split between the geeks and non-geeks right there, because those of you who grew up, or watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, would rightfully understand a Trekkie's excitement at this event. Commander William Riker will be gracing the stage for many of us, and will also be hosting an after-party, where it will be possible to meet him.

There comes dilemma in the fact that the CPO will also be playing the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack this season; and I cannot afford to go to both.The CPO will be accompanied by a showing of the film, so the Orchestra will be playing the live score of the movie. Chance encounter and meet and greet with Jonathan Frakes, or epic LotR night?

Fortunately, this has already been decided for me, as Rae has shown a great interest in going to see the Lord of the Rings night. And so, dilemma no more, but it really would be interesting to meet Mr. Frakes.

Ah well, into my corner I go, to listen to an 8tracks playlist comprised almost completely of classical music.

To the Nerd Kingdom!

Up Again, I See...

Well,

I can't fall asleep, yet again. This is now the third time this week when I have been unable to fall asleep at a decent hour, and it is not for lack of trying. Honestly, I've tried most things, and I am seriously considering drugging myself again just to get a decent amount of sleep in tonight before I have to go to work tomorrow (today). Uncool, body.

To top it all off, I have recently checked my tuition fees for when I start school in September, and it will be just over $3,300.00. Where does this money come from, you might ask? By digging myself into more debt with the lovely Canadian Government, that's where. I am currently waiting for my proof that I have gotten the funds and such so that I can go to SAIT and be all like "you know what? I have the money, but I won't be able to get it until September. Is it possible for you to defer my tuition deadline until that day, so as I might be able to pay it and not have to forfeit either my spot in the program, or potentially have some nice fraud investigators show up at my door wondering how I paid my tuition BEFORE I got my loan? kthxbai".

Stress seems to be piling on in little almost unnoticeable increments, and I'm getting worried. I have noticed, though, that there are a few things that I KNOW will keep me afloat during future times of stress.
One, my wonderful and amazing girlfriend, who knows just how to set me straight and won't take any of my bull crap or moping about. I love her to pieces, and I know that she loves me back the same. I can't place all of the weight of my stress upon both of our shoulders, and so I am aware that there is this lovely thing that seems to be eluding my grasp that will come into effect, which is Sleep! The more I get, the less I stress, so as you can tell I am having a wonderful week! (quick sidebar, I was told I was going to get tips from working at Stampede, and I have received my paycheque, and it seems like they have conveniently forgotten to give them to me. NOT impressed, I shall be making a few phone calls this coming week, if they still have not been deposited.)

Thirdly, and I guess just as important as the other two, is to take care of my wonderful hard to understand body. Welcome to diabetes 101 kids! Just to let you know, if you have a high blood sugar, you will most likely start to feel like crap, and you'll also get listless and a slight bit depressed! If you have a low blood sugar, you probably won't be thinking well enough to tell people that they need to hold the phone and you need to get some sugar into you ASAP! Best to let people know about these things before they happen, otherwise you'll probably end up even MORE sick! Yes, that is right, it has taken Lord knows how long for me to finally realize that I actually need to take care of this body, cause I ain't gettin' a new one! In all seriousness though, it is such a task to remember to do everything properly, and I really do not have the right type of personality for this disease. At all. In the slightest.Yay life!

I had thought that by doing this blahg that it would help me fall asleep and perhaps make me a little bit more exhausted than I already am, but alas, it seems not to have worked, and as such, YAY NEOCITRON! This drink was and is a gift from God, and quite honestly I use it more often than not for help falling asleep instead of the intended purpose of clearing sinuses. And so (hopefully) I am off to sleep and will see you on the....well, whenever it is that I post next.

All the best, Intranets,

Sleepless Me.

Moving, New Life Farther South.

So, I find myself having moved yet again.

Interesting to think that for the past 4 years I have yet to spend more than one year in one house. Since I have left High School, I have not spent more than a year in one house, one living space. The longest was my past house, living with my best friends. I have now since moved to Calgary, a good three hour drive from any of them, into a house with, admittedly very nice and friendly people, strangers. I luckily had the Calgary Stampede to distract myself with, as I had spent the entire duration working my butt off at one of the casino bars, but I'm starting to feel more and more alone.
One of the biggest things I miss, is how close I was to my dear girlfriend Rae. No longer am I a quick 5 minute walk away if something pops up, or I'm just missing her and feeling lonely. It takes more of a conscious effort to spend time together, and it's just not something that I'm used to.
On top of this move, well, more to the point, the reason for this move, is that I am returning to school this September and I'll admit, I am very nervous. Will I enjoy it as much as I think I will? Am I building it up in my mind like I usually do? Is is going to be a disappointment, or will I love it even more than I thought I will? And those are just the questions I have about enjoying and returning to being a student!

It is very hard to move to a new city, especially when you know only a few people and are not sure when or how to get in touch with them. I am finding myself less and less of myself and more reacting to situations, not planning and thinking. It's as if I've turned on my autopilot and I'm waiting for somebody to come by and take the wheel.

Luckily, I have the most wonderful and amazing girlfriend in the world, who is such a light in my life that I have literally no clue what I would be doing without her. She really is the rock, the anchor for me, and that's why it's really hard to not be able to hop over if I want to see her. I really miss having her around all the time, sitting on the couch watching the food network and resting her legs on mine.

Equally hard, is now I am no longer living with my best friend. I really miss him dearly, and I will most likely be sending him an e-mail, text message, hand written letter and calling him today. He has finished all of his courses for his degree, and even managed to land himself a full time career, and I could not be more proud of him. That doesn't change the fact that I sincerely wish I could walk upstairs and see him sitting at the edge of his chair, about to throw his hands up in either joy or disgust at what the Eskimos are doing.

I know that I will grow to enjoy this city as much as I loved Edmonton, no matter how much I (and Rae) complained about it. It really did feel like home. Still does, to be honest. But I am almost afraid of what this new chapter will bring. Of losing touch with old friends, friends that I miss so much at the moment. Friends who I have been through thick and thin with, that I can sit by a campfire and have not a word said for half an hour and not wish for anything else in the world because it's just such a perfect moment.

And so, I say this. If you are planning to have a large move to another city, far from home and from friends, don't be afraid. The friends who really mean anything to you, and who really matter, will keep in touch, will see you, and you will feel like nothing has changed when you see them again. It really is okay to cry, and to bawl your eyes out as you finish packing and are on your way out the door, saying your goodbyes. Do not try and bottle it up, or stave it off "so you can deal with it later". Because then it will hit you one morning, and you will find yourself writing an enormous post about how sad you are.

What I am trying to get at here is this: I am upset today, because I miss my friends, I miss the proximity to my girlfriend, the ability to at any point in time walk into the living room and have at least one good friend with whom I could sit and chat, or bug, or watch a movie with. I miss being able to surprise my girlfriend by walking through her back door and sitting on the couch next to her while she watches Gilmore Girls for the seventeenth time.

With all of this uncertainty in front of me, I am nervous and a little bit scared. This was a big move, and I still do not think that it has hit me that I no longer live in Edmonton, 17 days later. It's a horrible feeling I have right now, and I know that I am rambling, but there is no other way for me to describe it.

And so, I leave this post with the following thoughts; Will I learn to enjoy this city and make some new friends? Will I be able to deal with the realization, and the bitter sadness that accompanies it, when it finally hits me? I certainly hope so.

And so, I bid thee farewell, and I am off to attempt to get more sleep before Rae gets here.