So, I cannot sleep. Yet again. I need to fix my sleep cycle. Because this is starting to annoy me quite a bit.

I have to be at work in...seven hours. And yet I cannot, for the life of me, fall asleep. I've tried everything, insulin shots, soothing sounds in the background, turned the fan on to help get rid of the stifling heat, nothing works. In my desire to be, helpful, I have volunteered to work 6 days this week. In my folly, I now have mostly closing shifts, which start at around noon. I also have to find time to call both the Alberta Student Aid offices and set up a time to go to the bank to talk about getting a student line of credit. Yay school being expensive!

 I am legitimately excited for school to start, as this was one of the main reasons why I moved, and not really knowing anybody and spending increasing amounts of time in my room has led me to discover that I am putting on an increasing amount of weight. The type that bounces when I run, the type that makes my heart race walking up the hill with a backpack and a few bags of groceries. This needs to change, but I don't think I have the will to find the motivation it will need to be more active. Not by myself. I spend my days lately going to work, coming home, seeing Rachel and her family, staring at a computer screen and longing for the days when I was "skinny" or "in shape". When I look through pictures of days gone by, and see the smiling faces of my friends, it makes it that much harder being alone.

I have started a new hobby to help pass the time, but to be honest it doesn't take up as much time as I had hoped it would. Mostly, it's just me finding new types of plants that MIGHT be able to grow in the basement room that I occupy. Nine plants have I, and we shall see which flourishes, which withers, and which, if any, decide to be the invasive species and attempt to grow over my desk. The plants I am most looking forward to watching bloom are my as of yet unnamed rose, the almost named salvia, and Hestia, Rae's beloved Kalanchoe.

I had debated the idea of acquiring a nice warm fluffy bunny to keep me company, however I do not have the space required to properly and healthily care for one. I also have not yet decided if I will look into anything smaller, however I may take Rae up on her offer of the goldfish tank I got her for Christmas a few years back. We shall see, I'm mostly attempting to fill the void of the human presence from whence I came.

Switching houses and cities was hard enough, but it's beginning to sink in that I really do miss my friends. The ability to walk out of my room and have a conversation with my best friends was a massive perk and one that I now realize I may have taken for granted. Growing older, I am finding that when I have free time I tend to spend it alone. I do not actively seek company, and that may be my failing. I crave connections and contact, and yet fear the rejection or the awkward silences of a forced conversation. I own wonderful tools for meeting and conversing with astounding amounts of new people, and yet I stare at an always refreshing Facebook page, rereading the same content for hours, hoping for a new subject or topic to arise. I feel sometimes as if I have become a shadow of who I used to be, as if I am on autopilot and these days are passing me by. As if I am trapped in a shell and cannot get out, not for lack of strength but for lack of drive.

The few times I feel truly myself are when I am with Rachel. Brief though these times seem to be, I enjoy just being able to relax, to feel content with knowing that there is someone here whom I love unconditionally and who loves me the same way. Someone with whom I don't need to pretend. Who knows my strengths and my faults. Who cares for me in ways I didn't know needed care, and who drives me to be a better person.

It really just feels like I am on autopilot, waiting for the moments I get to spend with her, or for this weekend when Adam is coming down to visit. When I can spend time with my best friends, doing nothing yet doing everything at the same time. If ever there was a time more attuned to the knowledge that humans are social creatures and that this day and age has created a false sense of belonging, it is now. We are so connected to the world that we distance ourselves from our surroundings. We gain and lose knowledge at the same time, knowing more, but utilizing it less in public. Which is what allows me to know why I cannot sleep, how to fix it, the reasons for which I shall not and the constant reminder that if I actively TRIED, I could fix this. But I won't, because apathy and procrastination are more gratifying. The search for a way to fix problems with the least amount of effort on my part is why I am so restless, unable to sleep, unable to motivate myself. It is what is holding me back from being the person I know I can be, instead of the slow, downward spiral I shall soon find myself in if things do not change.

Never before would I have classified myself as shy, and yet these days I find myself quieter, slightly more reclusive and less likely to engage others in conversations. It is a strange state I find myself in, and I am unsure of how to find either a catalyst for motivation, or a deep reserve of motivation with which to push myself out of this mind set.

And so, like as with all of my writings, I start off with a view to put pen to paper as it were, rid my mind of its thoughts and end up with more questions and musings than I had previously. It seems as if I shall spend another restless night attempting to find comfort and rest until I rise and attempt for yet another unremarkable day.

These have been my thoughts this evening, and as you may know my mood is frustrated, irritated and a bit melancholy. Fear not brave soldiers for this evening has taken it's toll on me and my mind. I shall henceforth inject some more insulin into my system to help keep these thoughts at bay and regulate my blood sugar for I fear they have been steadily climbing whilst my narrative has been writ. I am also unsure as to why I started to write all "old-timey". Ah well, to restless bed I go! (or stay, seeing as I am currently in said bed).

Goodnight, dear reader.

Outlets

So, I've figured something out tonight.

Part of the reason why I am feeling so stressed, is that I do not have outlets; either physically or artistically. I was a lot less stressed when I had both options available to me, such as in high school, or at residence. Perhaps I need to find a way to express myself artistically before I will feel I have the drive to be more active? Or will being active allow me to be more artistic?

Either way, I believe that I should find a sport of some sort, preferably something social, that I can exhaust myself with, as well as a piano or a guitar with which to while the hours away when I am in the mood. Listening to others perform can only take me so far, I need to feel the resonance in the floor when I'm playing a piano, to feel the vibrations through the guitar as I strum along to a favourite song.


To me, music is more than just a form of entertainment, or a hobby. It's a form of expression, it's relief from the stress that is life. A blissful half hour when the only thing I'm concentrating on is allowing the sounds in my mind to be transferred to the instrument. One of the things that I look forward to when I'm visiting my parents is the access I have to my mother's old upright. The ivory is falling off a few keys, and it is slowly starting to lose it's tune, but I have such an...emotional attachment to that piano. When my parents move, because they will have to with all of the developments going on, I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that piano isn't sold. It's the piano that I grew up with, the piano that I can sit at and know all of it's quirks, all of the ways I know it will perform. It is by no means a beautiful piano, but I would be heartbroken to never be able to play it again. It actually makes me sad to think that it's just sitting in the room in my parents basement gathering dust and acting as a shelf for various pictures. I miss that piano, and I wish I had a way of bringing it here to Calgary.

I sincerely hope that I can find a keyboard that I can connect with, that will be more than just an object to me. Something that I will look forward to sitting down in front of and whittling away half an hour just trying different things. I say this now, but I know myself a little bit to know that I will most likely stay in the key of D for the first, oh, 3 to 4 months. Still, I need to have that connection to the instrument, the desire to want to spend time with it. To those readers that are not musicians, you may not understand, but to those of you who are, you might understand. As much as I love the piano, and playing the piano, if I do not feel comfortable or at ease playing an instrument, I won't.

Which makes me picky, eh? Ah well, we'll see how this turns out.

Classical Music?

So, I have recently found out some new and interesting things about the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra.

Namely, that not only are they doing a sci-fi night, where they will be playing a bunch of geek anthems (think Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica...you get the idea), but that it will be hosted by Jonathan Frakes. Now, I can actively see the split between the geeks and non-geeks right there, because those of you who grew up, or watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, would rightfully understand a Trekkie's excitement at this event. Commander William Riker will be gracing the stage for many of us, and will also be hosting an after-party, where it will be possible to meet him.

There comes dilemma in the fact that the CPO will also be playing the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack this season; and I cannot afford to go to both.The CPO will be accompanied by a showing of the film, so the Orchestra will be playing the live score of the movie. Chance encounter and meet and greet with Jonathan Frakes, or epic LotR night?

Fortunately, this has already been decided for me, as Rae has shown a great interest in going to see the Lord of the Rings night. And so, dilemma no more, but it really would be interesting to meet Mr. Frakes.

Ah well, into my corner I go, to listen to an 8tracks playlist comprised almost completely of classical music.

To the Nerd Kingdom!