So, I cannot sleep. Yet again. I need to fix my sleep cycle. Because this is starting to annoy me quite a bit.

I have to be at work in...seven hours. And yet I cannot, for the life of me, fall asleep. I've tried everything, insulin shots, soothing sounds in the background, turned the fan on to help get rid of the stifling heat, nothing works. In my desire to be, helpful, I have volunteered to work 6 days this week. In my folly, I now have mostly closing shifts, which start at around noon. I also have to find time to call both the Alberta Student Aid offices and set up a time to go to the bank to talk about getting a student line of credit. Yay school being expensive!

 I am legitimately excited for school to start, as this was one of the main reasons why I moved, and not really knowing anybody and spending increasing amounts of time in my room has led me to discover that I am putting on an increasing amount of weight. The type that bounces when I run, the type that makes my heart race walking up the hill with a backpack and a few bags of groceries. This needs to change, but I don't think I have the will to find the motivation it will need to be more active. Not by myself. I spend my days lately going to work, coming home, seeing Rachel and her family, staring at a computer screen and longing for the days when I was "skinny" or "in shape". When I look through pictures of days gone by, and see the smiling faces of my friends, it makes it that much harder being alone.

I have started a new hobby to help pass the time, but to be honest it doesn't take up as much time as I had hoped it would. Mostly, it's just me finding new types of plants that MIGHT be able to grow in the basement room that I occupy. Nine plants have I, and we shall see which flourishes, which withers, and which, if any, decide to be the invasive species and attempt to grow over my desk. The plants I am most looking forward to watching bloom are my as of yet unnamed rose, the almost named salvia, and Hestia, Rae's beloved Kalanchoe.

I had debated the idea of acquiring a nice warm fluffy bunny to keep me company, however I do not have the space required to properly and healthily care for one. I also have not yet decided if I will look into anything smaller, however I may take Rae up on her offer of the goldfish tank I got her for Christmas a few years back. We shall see, I'm mostly attempting to fill the void of the human presence from whence I came.

Switching houses and cities was hard enough, but it's beginning to sink in that I really do miss my friends. The ability to walk out of my room and have a conversation with my best friends was a massive perk and one that I now realize I may have taken for granted. Growing older, I am finding that when I have free time I tend to spend it alone. I do not actively seek company, and that may be my failing. I crave connections and contact, and yet fear the rejection or the awkward silences of a forced conversation. I own wonderful tools for meeting and conversing with astounding amounts of new people, and yet I stare at an always refreshing Facebook page, rereading the same content for hours, hoping for a new subject or topic to arise. I feel sometimes as if I have become a shadow of who I used to be, as if I am on autopilot and these days are passing me by. As if I am trapped in a shell and cannot get out, not for lack of strength but for lack of drive.

The few times I feel truly myself are when I am with Rachel. Brief though these times seem to be, I enjoy just being able to relax, to feel content with knowing that there is someone here whom I love unconditionally and who loves me the same way. Someone with whom I don't need to pretend. Who knows my strengths and my faults. Who cares for me in ways I didn't know needed care, and who drives me to be a better person.

It really just feels like I am on autopilot, waiting for the moments I get to spend with her, or for this weekend when Adam is coming down to visit. When I can spend time with my best friends, doing nothing yet doing everything at the same time. If ever there was a time more attuned to the knowledge that humans are social creatures and that this day and age has created a false sense of belonging, it is now. We are so connected to the world that we distance ourselves from our surroundings. We gain and lose knowledge at the same time, knowing more, but utilizing it less in public. Which is what allows me to know why I cannot sleep, how to fix it, the reasons for which I shall not and the constant reminder that if I actively TRIED, I could fix this. But I won't, because apathy and procrastination are more gratifying. The search for a way to fix problems with the least amount of effort on my part is why I am so restless, unable to sleep, unable to motivate myself. It is what is holding me back from being the person I know I can be, instead of the slow, downward spiral I shall soon find myself in if things do not change.

Never before would I have classified myself as shy, and yet these days I find myself quieter, slightly more reclusive and less likely to engage others in conversations. It is a strange state I find myself in, and I am unsure of how to find either a catalyst for motivation, or a deep reserve of motivation with which to push myself out of this mind set.

And so, like as with all of my writings, I start off with a view to put pen to paper as it were, rid my mind of its thoughts and end up with more questions and musings than I had previously. It seems as if I shall spend another restless night attempting to find comfort and rest until I rise and attempt for yet another unremarkable day.

These have been my thoughts this evening, and as you may know my mood is frustrated, irritated and a bit melancholy. Fear not brave soldiers for this evening has taken it's toll on me and my mind. I shall henceforth inject some more insulin into my system to help keep these thoughts at bay and regulate my blood sugar for I fear they have been steadily climbing whilst my narrative has been writ. I am also unsure as to why I started to write all "old-timey". Ah well, to restless bed I go! (or stay, seeing as I am currently in said bed).

Goodnight, dear reader.